Realistically, I know that the universe does not literally revolve around me. Things happen. Things do not go to plan. Things unexpected do occur. And I am learning, very slowly and with professional guidance, that negative events are not always and automatically my fault, nor are they a deliberate attempt to attack and invade my little utopia.
Try telling me the above in the moment of an immediate meltdown in reaction to the unforseen and it just seems to fuel my outrage and disappointment even further.
Until recent times, I was only aware of two opposite feelings in my repertoire: Happy & Angry; with anger being my #1 go-to expression. A stranger cuts me off on the road, I spill my drink, drop an ingredient in the kitchen, the bunnies nibble my favourite shoes, the kittens knock over my plant, the customer service attendant is grumpy, my friends don't reply to my text quickly enough... The list of examples is probably endless, but they are all incidents that I now recognise as triggers. However, I need to be much quicker at stopping the negative thoughts in the moment and evoking the inner Hulk when these episodes take place.
It is my current mission to make the conscious effort to curb my reaction to said triggers and explore my actual feelings that really are not limited to anger and happiness (when I am I even happy, anyway?), and acquire the much needed tools to keep the raging mutant at bay. With the reasonably newfound knowledge that I am a female adult living on the Autism spectrum and not actually insane for reacting how I have for the majority of my life, I believe in my brain and my ability to retrain it; adding to the list of emotional responses that I am capable of, and how I express my emotions at that instant.
My life is not truly worth ending because my newly potted herbs are all over the carpet after growing them from seed. I can do this. Nothing is perfect. Mess happens. It is no one's fault, not even mine. Don't look to place blame and yell, just be productive. Do not push loved ones away with unreasonable and overblown behaviour. Remember to breathe. Now, time to tell that brain of mine about these vital new updates and apply them. Reboot required.