We spoke openly. We sat together in comfort. We touched as though we knew each other for a lifetime.
In a rapid motion, and in cliche lesbian-form, we were co-habititing, planning our future lives together, and sending out invitations to our engagement party. It was love. But it wasn't always smooth-sailing or without drama. I lost myself in her world and always wanted to remain within our bubble. For it was outside the safety of our nest that I allowed myself to be consumed by my own worst enemy when things were generally going well.
The negative thoughts took hold and regretfully controlled my behaviour increasingly and with more intensity as the months went by. I could not see it at the time, and that thing we call hindsight has opened my mind to reflect on my actions over the past twenty-four months. Every event, major or minor, I found fault with. And rather than focus on the wonderful woman that I wanted to be with forever, I searched for fault in her too. The more she forgave my behaviour; the angry reactions to everything and anything, and the desire to argue without due reason, the further I pushed her love away. For that, I am sorry.
In a society where we try to live without regret, I truly do regret the way I treated my recent partner. Rather than deal with deeper issues, demons that flourished prior to any relationship I have been in, I subconsciously allowed the negativity in my life and my past to destroy all possibilities of living 'happily ever after'.
The sadness of this realisation is overwhelming on most days. Being medicated, receiving professional help, and actively working on me and being content within myself is ridiculously tough labour! When the mind continually wants to find a hole to swallow up me and my darkness in it's entirety, I need to remember that even though I am different and have endured a decent amount of trauma throughout my thirty-something years, I am not less!
In continuation on the never-ending quest for positivity and to process recent heartache, I can say with pride that I am trying, genuinely trying, to keep on riding the thing we call life, and even without the safety helmet at times. I need to believe that love still exists. That I am deserving.
This weekend is the anniversary. Two years since a remarkable young lady took a chance on love with a girl like me. Two years since I met the one human who knows me better than I know myself sometimes. Two years since she first made me smile and showed me my worth. Two years since I gained a best friend for life.